It seems maintaining a personal blog requires a lot more time and discipline that I had thought. Who knew?
So what has been happening since my last foray into cyberworld? Babies, that’s what. Lots and lots of them. I don’t know if it down to the long cold winter where we were all snowed into our houses but all of a sudden everyone I know seems to be popping out new lives and this has, in turn, had a knock-on effect to those who are affected by tiny fingers and toes as now there is a new wave of pregnancies being announced from those who escaped the winder months without a baby bump. The result of all this being that by the start of 2012 my family and friends circles will have changed beyond recognition.
All this appears to have had a rather surprising effect on S and me. We haven’t suddenly decided to join the baby brigade and still feel that this is not what we personally want out of life but I, in particular, seem to have developed a new tolerance for children and respect for those who do go down this more accepted of life’s paths.
I will admit that in times gone by, the announcement by a close friend that she is to have a baby has provoked a sadness and almost resentment in me. Not having been particularly close to my parents, I love my friends dearly and know that the change in lifestyle brought about by a baby will change and even damage our relationship as friends and I mourn for that friendship. I mourn also for the person that the friend once was and whom I do not believe she will be again. Gone are the spontaneous giggly nights over bottles of wine, the concerts, weekends away, intelligent conversations and long sessions of retail therapy… replaced instead by snatched moments when the children are otherwise occupied, dinners at Frankie & Benny’s, interruptions and tantrums, last minute cancellations and said friend always distracted and preoccupied by the children, whether they are with us or not. Then there is the eternal wedge that comes between us; in friendships that have survived my preference of black over pink, art-house over rom-coms, museums over sunbathing, charity shops over designer labels… children (or the freedom from) become the one irretrievable difference. Assumptions are made on both sides, I believe she is throwing her life away and she thinks I am irresponsible and hate her children. Neither is automatically true although have the potential to be so.
Yes, children get on my nerves. I just don’t think I am hardwired with maternal feelings and urges. I enjoy peace and quiet and will go out of my way to avoid sitting near families in restaurants and public transport, lest the tantrums and shrieks disturb my tranquil little bubble. This to me is common sense and I cannot understand it when friends will automatically grab the table next to that family with the hope of striking up conversation, maybe even getting to hold the baby. And yet, not all maternal women do this. I have heard many mothers say that they dislike all children apart from their own and maybe I am guilty of this also. Take my two nieces for example – ages 12 and 4 and from different parents – they are the two most gorgeous, well-behaved and smart kids I have ever met. I genuinely do enjoy spending time with them and not just because I have the secure knowledge that I can hand them back. Our 16 year nephew is also a credit to the family and although in many ways a typical teenager, one with whom I can have an adult conversation. Biased perhaps? Perhaps not, our other nephew – aged 8 – is a holy terror of a child and I do dread having to spend time with the monster. My next niece or nephew (my money’s on the latter) will be making an appearance any day now and time will tell how he/she turns out but my hopes are high for brother and sister-in-law to be good parents. For those friends that have kids already, some are genuinely fun to be around and others are true brats. I guess I am just indifferent to kids until they develop a personality about which I can form an opinion.
Perhaps due to the influx of baby bumps recently, I have been thinking a lot about being child-free. Not in a going-back-onto-the-fence way, I am resolutely sure that S and I will not have a family but I started to believe the hype and opinions which say that holding this point of view make me a monster, unfeminine, less of a woman… and these thoughts have been upsetting me. I yearn for a society where there is no pressure to have children, where some women do and some don’t and yet we all live in harmony with no raised eyebrows regarding unconventional choices. In a bid to somehow validate my choices and feelings, I have been seeking out other CF blogs and forums, to ensure that although unconventional, I am not abnormal. There I have found both vindication and further sources of confusion and anger. It would appear that I am not childfree enough for certain forums and I have been somewhat shocked by the level of resentment and abuse directed towards parents and children alike. A lot of the terminology was new to me and I felt very uncomfortable using or appearing to condone through my silence, terms such as “breeder” and “moo”. In some quarters I found an uncomfortable level of hatred towards those who choose to raise children, calls for “disgusting” pregnant women to be kept in confinement, IVF to be banned and a flippancy and easiness of prescribing abortions and sterilisation. I am pro-choice and childfree yet the disregard for others’ feelings on such emotive matters is quite disturbing to me, particularly when the very same people calling for such measures also claim to receive no respect and equality for their lifestyle choices. Now, before any parents reading this, jump up in triumph that all their opinions about the evil childfree have been proven true and before the CF flame me as a traitor, I have to make it clear that I am talking about a small group of people whose views are not indicative of the CF community as a whole and as their own personal views, they are perfectly justified and allowed to hold and express these feelings. There are CF forums where discussion is civil and intelligent and such retreats have been a godsend when I have needed to vent about the pressures put on me by family and friends or to mourn the aforementioned friendships. Conversely, I have done a bit of lurking on parenting forums and blogs, just to check if the grass really is greener. I am not a troll and do not do this to point, laugh and feel smugly satisfied when some poor woman posts about the stress and disappointments brought on by parenthood but simply to get a better understanding of why this is the default lifestyle choice. There I have found attacks against the CF to be just as vicious and frequent as those I have mentioned from “our” side and the sense of entitlement that is a big complaint of the CF about parents certainly thrives in some factions. It seems harmonious living is out of the question whilst we women continue to feel threatened by each others’ choices.
So, back to real life. Suddenly I am surrounded by babies and pregnant tummies and all of a sudden I see how happy my friends are. True, there is stress and dare I say even a twinge of regret sometimes passing on their faces as the struggle to keep their charges under control but equally there is joy and peace as they immerse themselves in parenthood. Many CF articles will point to the stressful, tear-your-hair-out, sleep-deprived moments and find it hard to reconcile these with the “it’s all worth it” mantra but you know what – for some people it is and that’s no bad thing. Live and let live. My job, for example, can be stressful; it can make me want to run away and cry and never set foot in the office again; at times I wish I had never entered the profession – but despite all of this, the overriding feeling is that I love it and yes, the crap is all worth it. Some of my friends have never seemed happier now that they have a few rugrats running around and I am pleased for them that they have been brought happiness and peace. Moreover, I am more sure than ever that this is not what I want out of life. Their descriptions of domestic bliss seem at odds with my own ideologies and I am sure my life goals seem just as alien to them but I don’t want to see our friendships destroyed or forgotten because of this. We simply need to move to a new level and this need not be a bad thing. Last week I spent an enjoyable evening with five of my closest girlfriends from childhood. Only two of us have no children and the other one is actively trying to remedy that. I was nervous beforehand, fearing bingos aplenty but it turned out lovely. Yes, they spoke about their kids – of course they did, they are the dominant element in their lives but equally I spoke about my work, my recent holiday, our bathroom renovations… And I found myself actually interested in their domestic tales in the way that one would be interested in the job of a police officer (doubtlessly rewarding, lots of entertaining tales but not something I personally want to do with my life). The evening ended early, much to S’s amusement but hey, they have kids and you know what? They made the effort to come out and spend time with old friends, as did I. At other times in recent weeks I have been doing the rounds, visiting the new babies and mothers and simply cannot understand why a true friend would avoid or refuse to visit a chum at this important time in their life and I cannot accept that the introduction of a new child means that a friendship must end.
Yes, these friends do occasionally still ask when S and I will be starting a family but for the most part they seem to get it and don’t make a big deal of it. More bingos come now from family, colleagues and more casual acquaintances and I am learning to deal with this – after all, I accept that we are the minority. Seeing our friends’ growing families emphasises why we don’t want to do this – lack of money, freedom, quality time as a couple as well as the biggie – kids just aren’t our thing! I can see however why many people do choose this way of life and salute and respect them for doing so. Those who blunder ahead like sheep because it is the thing to do, do still annoy me and it tends to be their kids who are the ones running around, making noise and being abusive in public places. Maybe I am just lucky in my circle of friends but it is more clear than ever that the choice of whether or not to have children is exactly that and whichever way you jump, should not automatically assume that you love or hate all kids nor that you are any less or more of a human being because of your childed or childfree status.
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