Children at Weddings - a very modern debate

Be it Royal or Big Fat Gypsy, wedding fever appears to have struck the country more than usual this summer and with it has some a great deal of commentary and articles about wedding etiquette.  One popular and controversial topic of discussion is whether or not children are welcome at weddings.

Once upon a time, a boy and girl would meet, fall in love and the girl’s parents would stump up the cash for a church service, nice frock and then a jolly good knees up at a local hotel or pub function room for all the family and friends of the parents.  Then came the wedding revolution.  The happy couple wanted the happiest day of their life to be just that and businesses sprang to their aid – memorable, fairytale, personal and bespoke became the buzzwords and we were given choices aplenty of how best to represent our individual personalities through ivory lace, reportage photography, the release of doves and tiers of cupcakes amongst other things.  Despite this, many fathers’ of the bride still pay up with pride whilst other couples take on some or all of the cost themselves to ensure they experience the day of a lifetime.  Yet, whist few people now bat an eyelid at the decision to have Maori drummers in the church or a bright orange wedding dress, stating that the wedding is to be an adults-only affair will cause the all hell to break loose – it’s just not wedding-like!  A quick google search however will throw up evidence that this is becoming a dilemma faced by more and more couples with impassioned pleas made on both sides. 

S and I always wanted a low-key wedding.  We had definite ideas about the style of the day and as it was to be the most important day of our lives, we wanted to ensure that it was done properly with no regrets.  For this reason we paid every last penny ourselves.  Our engagement lasted five years whilst we saved up and in that time we saw friends meet their partners, get engaged and hold lavish weddings with the help of their parents.  Each time we went to another wedding, we picked up hints and tips about our own big day but were always left with the feeling that “it was a lovely day….apart from all the screaming children”.  The thing is, I love the romance of weddings.  I still think that standing up in front of friends and family and declaring your undying love to another person and committing to spend the rest of your live with that person is the biggest and most important moment of many people’s lives.  I have been incensed by kids screaming and crying through the service so that nobody can hear the bride and groom say these words or understand the readings and vows over which they have probably agonised for months to find the exact words…  Then there are the parents – friends and family of the happy couple who miss the important event because they are distracted by said child.  Nope, we didn’t want that during our wedding.  S too, was very nervous about his speech and did not want any disruptive shrieking (whether in pleasure or pain) to put him off.  Then there were the obligatory photos of the little treasures with the bride, provoking comments about what it will be like in the future, not to mention the time taken to take each photo whilst the children are either persuaded to smile/look at the camera or coaxed out of the photo in which they are not supposed to be.  The thing is, children are used to the world revolving around them and for one day, we wanted it to revolve around us and were not prepared to fight for attention with a yowling, chocolate smeared baby.

May be it is because both S and I were frequently left at home by our own parents who went to such events as weddings without us in order to enjoy themselves, that we didn’t anticipate how badly this would go down.  We both thought of weddings as being adult affairs whereas apparently, they are “all about children”.  Maybe so, if the bride and groom have made no secret of wanting to get started on their own family but in our case, we had no intention of this and therefore did not want to spend what we hoped would be the happiest day of our lives, grimacing at the little darlings playing on the dancefloor whilst we are trying to cut the cake.  I’m sure you have all seen the Peter Kay sequence about little boys at weddings…  Funny yes, but when we first saw it we both turned to each other and said, “If we are paying for a decent band to provide the music, there’s no way that that will be getting in the way of the dancing!  We also spoke to the Registrar (we are atheists and didn’t want a church wedding) to ensure that there would be none of the typical speeches about the marriage being blessed with children during her service and she was only too happy to comply, taking the time to get to know us so that she could pepper the service with personal anecdotes and lots of laughter. 

And then there was the cost.  Our plans for a small wedding quickly disappeared when we counted up the people we desperately wanted to be there and found we were already at over 100.  I have a very large family and I love most of them to bits.  I am fortunate to have great relationships with many of my cousins around the same age and couldn’t imagine them not being at the wedding.  So hard decisions had to be made: we had saved for five years and could afford a maximum of 100 guests in our chosen venue (which was a low-key local hotel – not a castle or boutique location).  Using the criteria that guests had to know both of us and not just one or the other we cut work colleagues, my book group, peripheral friends on both sides… and children!  Even on the shorter list, our 100 guests had over 50 children between them and our finances could not cope.  Apart from anything else, we would have had to look for a bigger venue, which would have charged more per head etc…  then there were the extras which we were told we had to have if we didn’t want to children to get bored – clowns, magicians, hire of a wii and dvds in a separate room…  Again it came back to the fact that if anyone, no matter what their age, needed a distraction away from the actual wedding and would not be interested in the festivities of the day then they should not be there.

Telling friends was the hardest as throughout our engagement a lot of them had spoken about outfits etc for their kids or assumed they would have a role in the wedding party.  We spoke personally to those to whom we were closest and put a note in with invitations to others over which we agonised for weeks to find a way on conveying that it was nothing personal but that due to lack of space and resources, we were limiting guests to those aged 18+.  Most people knew we were doing things on a budget and understood and my large family (which accounted for about 90% of the potential kids) was a saving grace when it came to friends - by doing the maths re the additional numbers and explaining that it was nothing against their kids but family members would get upset if friends’ children were present therefore we had to draw a line, most people were okay with it.  One friend was delighted as it would allow her an opportunity to kick back, let her hair down and enjoy a wedding without the stress of looking after the kids, another was disappointed but understanding… and then there was W.  W is a good friend and I have apologised to her on numerous occasions, both publicly and privately.  The truth is, it didn’t occur to me to talk to her about this as I didn’t think of her as being a mother.  Her “son” was actually the son of her boyfriend (now husband) and she had barely mentioned him in the past therefore I was not aware just how close a relationship they had.  Turns out it was very close and other mutual friends knew that.  The little boy had been at one other wedding only but in fairness – there were about 400 people at that one and I think the bride in question wanted everyone she had ever met to see her wed.  Apparently he had at least been invited to other weddings but just hadn’t been available and W and her boyfriend took his lack of invite to this one very hard indeed.  I hold my hands up.  I didn’t handle the situation well and just couldn’t understand the sense of entitlement that so many people get when it comes to weddings.  Surely being invited to witness such a special moment is a privilege, not a right and it should be down to the bride and groom (with varying amounts of input from people who may be helping with the costs) to decide with whom they wish to spend the day.  In any case, I doubted her stepson had a burning desire to spend the day at the wedding of people he didn’t know. 

Around this time, my grandmother died.  My wonderful, amazing, inspirational grandmother whom I couldn’t ever imagine not having in my life.  The wedding was arranged and would go ahead.  She would have been devastated at the thought of it being postponed on her behalf but it left my with an unbridled anger at those who were disputing our guest list.  After all, if I had the choice between grandma and any one of the other guests, I would have gladly binned every one of them – parents included – if it meant I would get the chance to bring her back to share in this day.  To have to come up with polite ways of explaining and defending my decision not to invite people I didn’t want there when in reality there was only one person in the world I wanted to be present was utterly exhausting and at times left me questioning why get married at all?

W and her partner did attend the wedding and actually seemed to enjoy themselves.  W even mentioned during the evening that she couldn’t believe how personal we had made the day and conceded that her stepson would have been bored and may have started playing up.  Not that we had an x-rated wedding, just that there were no party games or novelty songs etc.  S made a truly beautiful and emotional speech paying tribute to my grandmother and I wore her jewellery on the day.  But that is not to say that it was a sad day.  On the contrary, never have I been so filled with joy and love.  We may not have been in the picture perfect location and my dress was simple with no frills and trains but it was everything I wanted the day to be.  The areas we had splashed out on were those important to us – food and music.  Our meal was beautiful and the band had everyone on the floor throughout the night.  There was so much laughter and warmth throughout the day that even now, 3 years on, I get overwhelmed just thinking about it.   Several people (both childed and childfree) mentioned afterwards how refreshing it was to not have to deal with crying and tantrums throughout the day and on the whole (the loss of my grandmother not withstanding) I can honestly say I would not change a thing about my perfect day!

Unfortunately W is still brooding on the matter.  At subsequent friends’ wedding she has made a point of pointing out all the children enjoying themselves and how her stepson was so happy to be invited to these occasions.  When, in the company of friends, talk has turned to weddings – either planned or past – she has snubbed and snorted away any contribution to the conversation hat I might make.  I know she thinks we did not do things “properly” – whatever that may be but like it or not, we are a couple whose lives do not revolve around children and our wedding reflected this as well as other aspects of our personality. 

Yes, there is another side to this.  It can be argued that weddings are the ultimate family event and children are part of that family.  Many kids, little girls especially, are captivated by brides and the romance and ceremony of the occasion and can get greatly excited by the prospect but here are the facts:  Weddings are long, full day events; they involve a great amount of sitting around, waiting for something to happen; there are a lot of speeches which mean that little kids have to stay quiet and listen, even if they don’t understand what is being said; attention is on other people, adults for that matter; party dresses may look pretty but after a while they become itchy and uncomfortable.

Kids will get bored or irritated and they deal with these emotions by being disruptive, crying, arguing and throwing tantrums.  Their parents will get stressed dealing with it and will probably have to leave the wedding early.  Many people – men and women – understand and see the humour in these situations as being part of a wedding – even moments to be relished and memories to be treasured - but if you don’t; if you are planning a fairytale wedding and the thought of your second cousin’s red faced toddler charging up and down the aisle or screaming through the service, the exchange of rings, the speeches, the cake cutting or the first dance, is making you come out in a cold sweat then by all means make your wedding a child free zone.  It is your day and no-one else’s.  But, if you do go down this route, be prepared for criticism and be ready to explain the reasons why.  Do so in person where possible and ensure you speak to everyone who may be affected.  Do not make assumptions.  Understand that some people will not agree and this is their right, just as it is your right to make the decision in the first place.  Above all, don’t lose sight of why you are getting married in the first place.  The day is a celebration of two people and their love for each other.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 



Childfree or Anti-kids? Can friendships survive?

It seems maintaining a personal blog requires a lot more time and discipline that I had thought.  Who knew? 

So what has been happening since my last foray into cyberworld?  Babies, that’s what.  Lots and lots of them.  I don’t know if it down to the long cold winter where we were all snowed into our houses but all of a sudden everyone I know seems to be popping out new lives and this has, in turn, had a knock-on effect to those who are affected by tiny fingers and toes as now there is a new wave of pregnancies being announced from those who escaped the winder months without a baby bump.  The result of all this being that by the start of 2012 my family and friends circles will have changed beyond recognition.

All this appears to have had a rather surprising effect on S and me.  We haven’t suddenly decided to join the baby brigade and still feel that this is not what we personally want out of life but I, in particular, seem to have developed a new tolerance for children and respect for those who do go down this more accepted of life’s paths.

I will admit that in times gone by, the announcement by a close friend that she is to have a baby has provoked a sadness and almost resentment in me.  Not having been particularly close to my parents, I love my friends dearly and know that the change in lifestyle brought about by a baby will change and even damage our relationship as friends and I mourn for that friendship.  I mourn also for the person that the friend once was and whom I do not believe she will be again.  Gone are the spontaneous giggly nights over bottles of wine, the concerts, weekends away, intelligent conversations and long sessions of retail therapy…  replaced instead by snatched moments when the children are otherwise occupied, dinners at Frankie & Benny’s, interruptions and tantrums, last minute cancellations and said friend always distracted and preoccupied by the children, whether they are with us or not.  Then there is the eternal wedge that comes between us; in friendships that have survived my preference of black over pink, art-house over rom-coms, museums over sunbathing, charity shops over designer labels… children (or the freedom from) become the one irretrievable difference.   Assumptions are made on both sides, I believe she is throwing her life away and she thinks I am irresponsible and hate her children.  Neither is automatically true although have the potential to be so. 

Yes, children get on my nerves.  I just don’t think I am hardwired with maternal feelings and urges.  I enjoy peace and quiet and will go out of my way to avoid sitting near families in restaurants and public transport, lest the tantrums and shrieks disturb my tranquil little bubble.   This to me is common sense and I cannot understand it when friends will automatically grab the table next to that family with the hope of striking up conversation, maybe even getting to hold the baby.  And yet, not all maternal women do this.  I have heard many mothers say that they dislike all children apart from their own and maybe I am guilty of this also.  Take my two nieces for example – ages 12 and 4 and from different parents – they are the two most gorgeous, well-behaved and smart kids I have ever met.  I genuinely do enjoy spending time with them and not just because I have the secure knowledge that I can hand them back.  Our 16 year nephew is also a credit to the family and although in many ways a typical teenager, one with whom I can have an adult conversation.  Biased perhaps?  Perhaps not, our other nephew – aged 8 – is a holy terror of a child and I do dread having to spend time with the monster.  My next niece or nephew (my money’s on the latter) will be making an appearance any day now and time will tell how he/she turns out but my hopes are high for brother and sister-in-law to be good parents.  For those friends that have kids already, some are genuinely fun to be around and others are true brats.  I guess I am just indifferent to kids until they develop a personality about which I can form an opinion. 

Perhaps due to the influx of baby bumps recently, I have been thinking a lot about being child-free.  Not in a going-back-onto-the-fence way, I am resolutely sure that S and I will not have a family but I started to believe the hype and opinions which say that holding this point of view make me a monster, unfeminine, less of a woman… and these thoughts have been upsetting me.  I yearn for a society where there is no pressure to have children, where some women do and some don’t and yet we all live in harmony with no raised eyebrows regarding unconventional choices.  In a bid to somehow validate my choices and feelings, I have been seeking out other CF blogs and forums, to ensure that although unconventional, I am not abnormal.  There I have found both vindication and further sources of confusion and anger.  It would appear that I am not childfree enough for certain forums and I have been somewhat shocked by the level of resentment and abuse directed towards parents and children alike.  A lot of the terminology was new to me and I felt very uncomfortable using or appearing to condone through my silence, terms such as “breeder” and “moo”.  In some quarters I found an uncomfortable level of hatred towards those who choose to raise children, calls for “disgusting” pregnant women to be kept in confinement, IVF to be banned and a flippancy and easiness of prescribing abortions and sterilisation.  I am pro-choice and childfree yet the disregard for others’ feelings on such emotive matters is quite disturbing to me, particularly when the very same people calling for such measures also claim to receive no respect and equality for their lifestyle choices.  Now, before any parents reading this, jump up in triumph that all their opinions about the evil childfree have been proven true and before the CF flame me as a traitor, I have to make it clear that I am talking about a small group of people whose views are not indicative of the CF community as a whole and as their own personal views, they are perfectly justified and allowed to hold and express these feelings.  There are CF forums where discussion is civil and intelligent and such retreats have been a godsend when I have needed to vent about the pressures put on me by family and friends or to mourn the aforementioned friendships.  Conversely, I have done a bit of lurking on parenting forums and blogs, just to check if the grass really is greener.  I am not a troll and do not do this to point, laugh and feel smugly satisfied when some poor woman posts about the stress and disappointments brought on by parenthood but simply to get a better understanding of why this is the default lifestyle choice.  There I have found attacks against the CF to be just as vicious and frequent as those I have mentioned from “our” side and the sense of entitlement that is a big complaint of the CF about parents certainly thrives in some factions.  It seems harmonious living is out of the question whilst we women continue to feel threatened by each others’ choices.

So, back to real life.  Suddenly I am surrounded by babies and pregnant tummies and all of a sudden I see how happy my friends are.  True, there is stress and dare I say even a twinge of regret sometimes passing on their faces as the struggle to keep their charges under control but equally there is joy and peace as they immerse themselves in parenthood.  Many CF articles will point to the stressful, tear-your-hair-out, sleep-deprived moments and find it hard to reconcile these with the “it’s all worth it” mantra but you know what – for some people it is and that’s no bad thing.  Live and let live.  My job, for example, can be stressful; it can make me want to run away and cry and never set foot in the office again; at times I wish I had never entered the profession – but despite all of this, the overriding feeling is that I love it and yes, the crap is all worth it.    Some of my friends have never seemed happier now that they have a few rugrats running around and I am pleased for them that they have been brought happiness and peace.  Moreover, I am more sure than ever that this is not what I want out of life.  Their descriptions of domestic bliss seem at odds with my own ideologies and I am sure my life goals seem just as alien to them but I don’t want to see our friendships destroyed or forgotten because of this.  We simply need to move to a new level and this need not be a bad thing.  Last week I spent an enjoyable evening with five of my closest girlfriends from childhood.  Only two of us have no children and the other one is actively trying to remedy that.  I was nervous beforehand, fearing bingos aplenty but it turned out lovely.  Yes, they spoke about their kids – of course they did, they are the dominant element in their lives but equally I spoke about my work, my recent holiday, our bathroom renovations…  And I found myself actually interested in their domestic tales in the way that one would be interested in the job of a police officer (doubtlessly rewarding, lots of entertaining tales but not something I personally want to do with my life).  The evening ended early, much to S’s amusement but hey, they have kids and you know what? They made the effort to come out and spend time with old friends, as did I.  At other times in recent weeks I have been doing the rounds, visiting the new babies and mothers and simply cannot understand why a true friend would avoid or refuse to visit a chum at this important time in their life and I cannot accept that the introduction of a new child means that a friendship must end. 

Yes, these friends do occasionally still ask when S and I will be starting a family but for the most part they seem to get it and don’t make a big deal of it.  More bingos come now from family, colleagues and more casual acquaintances and I am learning to deal with this – after all, I accept that we are the minority.  Seeing our friends’ growing families emphasises why we don’t want to do this – lack of money, freedom, quality time as a couple as well as the biggie – kids just aren’t our thing!  I can see however why many people do choose this way of life and salute and respect them for doing so.  Those who blunder ahead like sheep because it is the thing to do, do still annoy me and it tends to be their kids who are the ones running around, making noise and being abusive in public places.  Maybe I am just lucky in my circle of friends but it is more clear than ever that the choice of whether or not to have children is exactly that and whichever way you jump, should not automatically assume that you love or hate all kids nor that you are any less or more of a human being because of your childed or childfree status.